Roundabouts? Sorry, that’s a velodrome now
Roundabouts are a nightmare for cars and an anxiety attack on wheels for pedestrians. But for cyclists? It’s our moment to shine. Picture this: every intersection becomes a mini velodrome. Banked corners. No braking allowed. Points for overtaking. Loser has to buy the coffee at the next stop. The city doesn’t slow down—it laps.
Dedicated bike lanes? You mean the main roads
In our utopia, cars are dedicated to “occasional use rural lanes” and replaced with a flowing network of cycle highways. Four lanes. Overtaking encouraged. Speed governed by FTP. The only gridlock is waiting for your mate to finish a snack break.
Public transport: Just really long tandems
Forget buses. We’re talking 12-person tandems with built-in pannier racks and playlists curated by the local bike café DJ. Don’t want to pedal? Tough. This is a democracy powered by quads. No freeloaders—unless you’re a spaniel in a handlebar basket. That’s always allowed.
Every hill has a KOM/QOM segment name
No one says “go up Main Street.” We say “hit the KOM on Main Mayhem.” Cities would install official segment signage: start lines, gradient markers, and a ceremonial cowbell at the top. And yes, there’s a podium ceremony if you beat your PR. Even if it’s 5am and you’re alone.
Parking? You mean pedal-in espresso bays
You don’t park, you clip out and sip. Every shop, workplace, and government office has a bike valet and espresso counter. Bonus: a pump station, banana dispenser, and motivational quotes from Tadej Pogačar engraved into the floor tiles.
Weather forecasts include wind direction, always
A proper city update wouldn’t just tell you “partly cloudy.” It’d let you know it’s a tailwind kind of Tuesday and time to finally go for that Strava segment downtown. And during headwind days? Free pastry with every ride. We’re not monsters.
Street names would be changed to cycling lingo
Say goodbye to “Maple Avenue” and “First Street.” Say hello to:
- Bonk Boulevard
- Chamois Crescent
- Drafting Drive
- Puncture Parade
- Cadence Court
Locals give directions like: “Turn left at the feed zone, then right after Wheel Sucker Way. If you hit Lactate Threshold Lane, you’ve gone too far.”
Public holidays include “chainring appreciation day”
A national day off to degrease, clean, and admire your drivetrain. Bike parades through the city. Fancy dress encouraged (theme: ‘90s pro peloton or Tour de France scandal). Kids reenact dramatic finishes in the cul-de-sac. Beautiful chaos.
Final thoughts: A city that spins together, wins together
Would this utopian cyclist city function? Maybe. Would it be sweaty, joyful, and covered in tyre tracks and smugness? Absolutely. Until then, we’ll keep dreaming. And pedalling. And secretly designing tandem buses on napkins during boring work meetings.
Just remember: in our perfect city, there’s no such thing as traffic—just a very long, very scenic warm-up ride.
