To be honest, these people are a menace, whether they are driving, cycling, walking or even crawling. They will find a way to make everyone else’s experience horrible. I know, I know—they are the true role models. We should all strive to become like them. So, let’s do it. It’s not that hard. It only takes 13 easy steps to become the most terrible bike rider on every trail, road, and bike lane.
Step 1: Be more important than the rest
Every morning, the sure rises just for you. That’s an astronomical fact. At least that’s what you’ve been told when you were four, and you stuck with it. So, it’s essential to take this to heart while riding your bike. After all, every ride is about you. The other riders, pedestrians, and drivers are just NPCs, so they must follow your lead.
Thus, if a group is lucky enough to have you, they should ride at your pace. It doesn’t matter if you drop people for no reason. And how dare they give you any signs. You are the leader; they should stick with your decisions. When it comes to traffic laws, those are mere suggestions. You always have the right of way, and if someone honks at you, you know the right finger combination to assert your dominance.
Step 2: Be a ferocious gatekeeper
Since you’re a cyclist, not just anyone can enjoy this fantastic pastime. Those whom you deem worthy of sharing the same interests as you should follow some strict guidelines.
What do you mean you ride just for fun? That’s not cycling, is it? So, if someone shows up for a ride with a cheap bike, mismatched kit, or—heaven forbid—a saddle bag, make it known that they do not belong. Make passive-aggressive comments about their setup, scoff at their pedals, and sigh dramatically at their lack of aero socks.
Now, if you’re in the mountains, never forget to insult those with cheaper bikes than yours. After all, yours is the pinnacle of engineering. Everyone else’s bike is simply a prop.
If, God forbid, someone tries to run a trail with a hardtail, make sure to glue yourself to their back wheel, constantly showing left and right and aggressively trying to overtake them. How dare they come to your personal trail with their less-than-ideal bike.
Make sure to always give loud, aggressive advice to everyone except those who actually ask for one. Asking for advice is a sign of weakness, and weak people are not allowed to ride bikes. So, if a beginner asks for advice, don’t be helpful. Instead, throw out intimidating jargon and obscure bike tech terms to ensure they never feel confident again. Bonus points if you scoff at e-bikes and mutter something about how “back in my day, we actually pedalled.”
Step 3: Learn the art of shoaling
Nothing ruins a good ride like being second at a red light. Completely unacceptable.
When rolling up to a stop, push past every other cyclist and claim your rightful position at the front—even if you’re the slowest rider there.
When the light turns green, accelerate like a snail on muscle relaxers, forcing everyone to awkwardly pass you again. Repeat this at every stoplight until you’ve successfully irritated every rider within a five-kilometre radius.
Step 4: Run reds… all of them
Alternatively, red lights are just for the peasants who don’t know how to ride. For experts like you, red light is nothing but a challenge to cause as many heart attacks on drivers as possible. And why are those damn pedestrians crossing right now? Don’t they see you’re coming? What!? You are supposed to kill your momentum? That’s preposterous.
Blasting through intersections at full speed not only keeps you from wasting energy but also adds an exciting element of danger to the lives of drivers and pedestrians alike.
If another cyclist stops at a red, shake your head in disappointment. They clearly don’t understand what it means to be hardcore. If you do get caught running a light, complain loudly that cars are far worse offenders—because nothing justifies nearly causing an accident like a completely unrelated statistic.
Step 5: Slalom between pedestrians on the sidewalk
Why waste time going to the mountains when you have a perfectly good obstacle course right here, in the city? Sidewalks, stairs, and handicap ramps are perfect for up your game without unnecessary travel.
Weaving between pedestrians at full speed is an art form. Little kids, elderly folks, and people carrying hot coffee? Perfect slalom cones. If a pedestrian yells at you, roll your eyes and speed off. Don’t forget to yell obnoxiously at people who don’t leave space for you to pass at full speed. How dare they not look behind every 3 seconds.
Finally, don’t forget to jump from curbs onto the road, leading to chaos and possibly a few crashes. These sound like a ‘they’ problem, not a ‘you’ problem. So, make sure you have your noise-cancelling earbuds on to deafen out these annoying honks and crash sounds.
Step 6: Do a wheelie in a crowded place to scare off pedestrians
Nothing asserts dominance quite like lifting your front wheel in the middle of a busy pedestrian area. The key is maintaining absolute confidence. If done correctly, crowds will scatter like birds while you cruise through on one wheel, smirking at their incompetence.
If someone doesn’t move fast enough, and you almost hit them? Act offended. How dare they ruin your TikTok?
Step 7: Do suicidal wheelies
Speaking of wheelies, you can go a step further. Scaring off pedestrians is a noob move. And you’re not a noob, are you? A pro like you needs a bigger challenge. So, ride straight at oncoming traffic while doing a wheelie. The Suicidal Wheelie is the ultimate test of fearlessness, and you will surely impress all the 12-year-olds.
If you time it right, you can swerve away at the last second—leaving behind a trail of traumatised drivers, horrified pedestrians, and a few admiring pre-pubescents.
If anyone complains, remind them that cycling is about pushing the limits. Who needs common sense when you have style?
Step 8: Be an obnoxious influencer
Speaking of impressing 12-year-olds, you can always go a step further. TikTok is constantly looking for the next big thing, and you are a shining star yet to be discovered. So, it’s time to take your talents to the vast jungle of social media. Instagram, TikTok, YouTube—your cycling is now a brand. No longer will you ride for fun or to get some results. It’s all about content now.
Mount at least three GoPros on your bike. Stop mid-ride for dramatic Instagram shots. Spend more time curating captions than actually riding. Force your group ride to pause for an impromptu photoshoot—then complain when the light is “not ideal.” Most importantly, scream at other riders who got in your shot, even though you took over a specific jump on the trail for the last 6 hours.
Step 9: Always top other’s stories
Now, since you’re the star, the leader, the Demigod, no one can be better than you. So, no matter what anyone else says, you have a crazier, better, and even more unbelievable story.
They did Paris to Nice, you did Lisbon to Moscow. They climbed Alpe d’Huez last weekend? What an amateur. You did it in a snowstorm with a metre of snow on the road. Someone shows a picture of a squirrel sitting on their seat while they are resting. Come one, that’s nothing. You actually rode with a pack of wild giraffes, but one of them took your camera by mistake. Never let anyone else have a moment of glory. You are the star. Only you get the spotlight.
Step 10: Ride wherever you like, no matter the road
‘Compromise’ is a word you rarely hear, let alone spell or practice. Compromises are done by the weak. You do what you want, and you ride where you want. A 20% gradient on a narrow road—that’s the dream. Who cares if there is a no-cycling sign and someone is trying to get to their home with their car, and they can’t afford to stop at such gradients? Certainly not you. And the audacity. They think you will keep to just one side of the road.
Steep stairs that you can’t stop on even if you try. Sure. Let’s just rush down without even looking if an old person, a group of children or a pregnant woman is trying to reach the top. That’s none of your concern. What do they expect? To have a safe space for walking? Now, who’s the pretentious one, eh?
Step 11: Snot rockets while in the middle of a peloton
Ah, the snot rocket. Who hasn’t launched a hardened mucus from their nose during a group ride? Usually, riders will go to the side of the road, warn anyone following them, and go for it. That’s not you, though. Why would you leave that comfortable spot in the middle of the peloton just to clear your nose? Once again, who’s in the way is not your problem. They should know better.
Plus, there’s no better way to mark your territory in a group ride than unleashing a snot rocket at full force. Make sure to do it without checking wind direction, so at least one unfortunate soul behind you gets a direct hit.
Step 12: Make the ride dangerous for everyone
Would it really be a ride if there’s no thrill? It’s your job to ensure everyone is always on their toes. Whether you’re cycling and swerving suddenly into traffic, braking unpredictably or riding a trail and going down what can only be described as a wall, your main task is to make every ride feel like an extreme survival test. I mean, Red Bull Rampage should be considered a practice run.
Bonus points if there’s a new rider with you and you assure them the trail is easy. Now, that’s one sure way to chase them off the sport for good. And remember step 2. You have duties, you know.
Step 13: Insist all your rides were epic
Finally, no matter how uneventful your ride was, if you were in it, it must have been epic. Nothing in your life is ordinary, so there is always hype when you go out with your bike. Each one of your rides is actually an unforgettable odyssey.
Did you take a quick ride around the park? Nah, don’t be modest. It was actually like the Roubaix cobbles out there. You went to the nearby store to get some potatoes? Don’t play it down. The headwinds were brutal; you nearly died. But the weather was sunny and calm, right? Yeah, but the sun was scorching as if you were racing the Škoda Titan Desert Challenge. Every ride should be an epic one. Who knows, one day you can even write a musical to immortalise that one trip to the nearby town that went over a slight hill.
Congratulations, you are now the worst
Follow these steps, and soon you’ll be the cyclist everyone dreads. Pedestrians will scatter, drivers will rage, and fellow riders will sigh in despair. But who cares? It’s not about them. It’s all about you.
