Now, we can talk about how to avoid the discomfort of getting drunk and embarrassing yourself in front of your mom or what to talk about with your emotionally distant father. However, it’s Christmas, the time to give, so let’s give your relatives and friends one of the best presents this year – a guide on how to annoy you most effectively.
Comment on how much they are eating
Cyclists may look lean and fit, but let’s be clear: we’re professional eaters. To be honest, we are quite used to people being astonished by the amounts of food we can consume. After all, when you burn 3,000-5,000 calories, you need to replenish. Indeed, long rides burn calories faster than Santa demolishes cookies, and when we sit down for a holiday meal, we’re ready to refuel. That extra slice of pie? Recovery food. The mountain of mashed potatoes? Glycogen storage. And don’t you dare look at us sideways when we eat both dessert options.
So it’s getting pretty annoying trying to explain the intricacies of stuffing yourself over the holidays since you’ll burn it in about 12 hours when you go for your after-Christmas ride.
Still, if you really want to push your cycling buddy’s buttons, talk to their grandma and ask her to make a comment herself. Yes, having your grandma, the one that should spoil you rotten, comment on how much you eat, even though you look like a guitar string, is what will tip the scale.
Ask to use their bike as a Christmas prop
While the food comment is perfect to mildly annoy any cyclist, if you want a genuine reaction, you need to hit where it hurts. And nothing hurts a cyclist more than taking their bike for granted. So, in the spirit of Christmas, ask if you can use their bike as a Christmas prop. You can suggest transforming it into some DIY Santa sleigh or simply placing it in front of the Christmas tree with a Santa hat and some fairy lights. Now, just watch the show; if they don’t choke on the potato salad they are presently devouring.
I mean, who doesn’t want their 4,000-euro bike to be treated like a common decoration? There are entire cities in Europe with cheaper decorations, not to mention that for a cyclist, their bike is untouchable. So, the only thing you’re getting is a cute photo of me kissing my bike under the mistletoe. Take it or leave it.
Call their bike “a toy”
If you want to go further than this, you can continue with the attack on an entirely new level. Sometime during the dinner, just say, “You know, Timmy wanted a bike like yours for Christmas. How about it? I can give you 50 quid.” Cue the long and exhausting explanation of how much each part of their bike is worth. Listen carefully, and once the tirade is over, you can exclaim, “You paid 4,000 euros for a toy!” Don’t be surprised if they simply blink wide-eyed for a few minutes, trying to grasp what just happened. Then it’s time for a splurge of words, which will barely construct coherent sentences, but you can hear some buzzwords like “aerodynamics,” “titanium,” and “precision geometry”.
Next is the visual presentation. They’ll probably pull up their phone to show you the full spec sheet of their bike, point by point, as you slowly regret your life choices. If you’re unlucky, they’ll start comparing it to your car as well. Either way, their night is ruined, and so is yours, but at least you got to enjoy the various colours of anger your cycling buddy went through, right? After all, isn’t that what the holiday spirit is all about?
Insist they dress up warmer for their ride
Now, this one is reserved for the moms out there. While your child is visiting, it’s always fun to go full helicopter parent. Disregard the fact they are already 30 and have been living on their own for more than a decade. So, when you see them preparing to go for a ride, there’s nothing more annoying than preaching how they should put on another jacket, the scarf their grandmother knitted for them, and the preferably bulky winter jacket that makes every movement an Olympic-level sport. After all, if you’re feeling cold, everyone must be freezing.
There is no point in learning that dressing for a winter ride is a science in its own right. It’s cold, which means your offspring is surely about to freeze solid despite the inevitable profuse sweating.
Bonus points if you refuse to let them leave before they follow your advice. I mean, do they really want to just go out in that light Lycra suit and windproof jacket? Are they trying to bring you to a nervous breakdown? No fancy words like “thermoregulation” can sway you otherwise. Stand your ground and just watch the inner conflict between keeping the peace over the holidays and the urge to go out for a ride. Tormenting your kids is fun, ain’t it?
Belittle their success
Cyclists love to share their achievements. Maybe it’s the new personal best on a climb, a particularly long ride or surviving a brutal gravel event. You’ll hear something like, “I hit 100 kilometres last week!” And then, for some reason, you’ll decide to reply with:
“Isn’t it just riding a bike? I mean, anyone can do that.”
Boy, have you opened the gates of Hell? You’ve just trivialised hours of suffering, sweat, and saddle sores. Prepare for a lecture. They’ll tell you about the brutal headwinds, the never-ending climbs, and how their legs felt like molten lava by the end. They’ll compare it to running marathons, scaling the Everest or single-handedly curing the common cold.
By the end of it, you’ll realise that cycling isn’t just riding a bike. But then again, you already knew that. Still, rather than admit you’re wrong, it’s much more fun to just shrug and say, “So what, you sweated a little, big deal.” The only thing left is to enjoy the rest of the night.
Give them the wrong bike-themed gift
Christmas is all about family, spiritual peace, and celebrating Jesus’ birthday. Yeah, right. Christmas is about the presents, and everyone knows that. Yes, this other mumbo jumbo is out there but it would never be a trend if it weren’t for the free stuff you get. Coincidentally, it opens the perfect opportunity to mess with your fanatically-obsessed cycling buddies.
All you need to get are all the wrong types of gifts. Now, we’ve already talked about the Christmas gifts every cyclist hates, so you can draw some inspiration from there. But to sum it all up, get them something that only takes space and is practically useless. A star-shaped multitool, a Christmas-themed jersey, and a recycled-bike-partssculpture. Perfect for bringing that fake smile and “Oh, just what I wanted,” garnished with the look of anguish considering where they will put this junk.
Bonus points if you make a scene every time they don’t use your gift or if it’s not displayed in at least 10% of their Instagram Stories. This will extinguish their holiday spirit fast and will keep them annoyed throughout the year.
Discuss cycling infrastructure
Finally, this one is for the dads. Any type of political talk during the Christmas dinner is a recipe for disaster, but once you start discussing cycling infrastructure, your cycling child will surely begin to boil. Don’t worry if you have no idea about city planning or if the last time you rode a bike was in 6th grade in the park. You have the right to have an opinion, even if it’s based on that one Facebook post you read 6 weeks ago but can’t remember if it was for a cycling path or a new sidewalk.
The main point is to antagonise your offspring and keep the conversation going all the way to the new year and beyond. However, be sure you’re ready for the whirlwind that awaits. Chances are you will be eager to pay someone to change the topic. Even the War in Gaza seems a better choice if you have nothing to talk about.
You’re ready to annoy cyclists
If you’re looking to poke fun at a cyclist this holiday season, you’ve got all the tools you need. But be warned: cyclists are sensitive creatures who can monologue for hours about tyre pressure and marginal gains.
So, if you truly want a peaceful holiday, here’s a better idea: let them eat their weight in pie, admire their overpriced bike, and – when they bring up their latest ride – say, “Wow, that’s amazing.” Trust me, it’s the easiest way to keep everyone merry and bright. And remember, annoying a cyclist comes with consequences. Because if you’re not careful, they’ll drag you on a ride to “prove how fun it is.” Happy Holidays!
