Have loud quarrels with your wife, savagely gesturing and shouting that it’s all her fault just before discovering that the bike could have been easily recharged in a café next door. After downing three cups of a strong Italian espresso, carry on riding at an average speed of 66 km/h.
Download the bike’s charger blueprint by your latest Xiaomi smartphone and hand it over to the nearest workshop. Within one hour, get a well-functioning copy that is going to be offered on Amazon the next day.
Make up your mind to push the bike to the nearest cottage. After two days of Alpine-style climbing and gaining 3,000 metres of elevation, get to the mountain chalet where your bike will be recharged using green energy from a local small hydroelectric power plant. Additionally, your chain will be greased by a homemade butter. Instead of saying goodbye, the chalet’s owners will recommend you to get rid of the e-bike as its batteries are not coming from sustainable sources.
Park your e-bike in the rack in front of ‘Pijalnia Piwa and Wodki’ drinking bar and get in, leaving your bike outside unattended. Within an hour, visit a local pawn shop where you can buy your bike back. When asking politely, the shop assistant would even recharge it for just a small tip.
Go to the nearest bike shop where a friendly staff will recharge the bike for free. During the polite conversation, try to avoid any topics that might be somehow related to any events occurred in the last 300 years.
Hold a referendum whether it’s more favourable to split the bike into smaller independent parts. Once it turns out that this won’t solve the problem, postpone the solution to tomorrow and go to a football match.
Spend the time needed for a full battery recharge with a short, seven-hour-long lunch with your mates.
The problem would solve itself – within two minutes, you’ll find yourself standing in the middle of a haunted street with neither the bike nor a wallet.
Bring the bike to the sacred forest’s meadow somewhere deep in the middle of the woods. After falling sleep, forest elves will recharge the battery and adjust the moving parts of the bike and keep off the cheeky leprechauns.
Since your bike had served faithfully you for several years, it should consider a ritual suicide.
The frustration from a flat battery would be cured by accusing your high school teacher of not giving you the participation award. If the bicycle still refuses to go any further, try to protest publicly by changing your gender.
In every common forest, you can recharge the battery using the electric outlet to be found in any tree. The time during recharging can be shortened by scrolling down the Facebook using high-speed forest WiFi.
In the first two days, nobody notices that you’re staying helplessly in the street. On the third day, someone will (maybe) finally respond to your greetings. On the seventh day, a stranger surprisingly invites you home, helps you to recharge your battery while complaining about the political situation in the country. Before the battery is full, you might be offered to stay for a dinner or, eventually, to marry his daughter.
It’s actually not a problem – the air-conditioned indoor hall with an artificial Alpine scenery is fully equipped with modern chargers enhanced with golden cables.
The first car passing by would pull over. Amiable driver will apologise for the inconvenience and invites you home where you spend a wonderful afternoon with grilling fresh salmons caught behind the house.
After three months, you will find that sitting on the bench in front of the house is actually much better fun than cycling.
After experiencing that everybody is answering your English questions in some odd dialect, drop the bike and go to the pub.
Despite the assurance that the battery will be fully charged within three hours, you will find yourself partying three days later in a bar where all ladies dance on the tables.
Drink as long as you fall to the ground totally wasted. In the morning, wake up at the farm whose owners will have a ten-minute conversation using three different words. After this, carry on riding home on perfectly recharged and cleaned bike.
Drink as long as you fall to the ground totally wasted. Repeat the same process for another thirty years. One day, you will find that someone stole your bike without knowing when this actually happened. Nobody cares.
Drink as long as you fall to the ground totally wasted. Get murderer in the middle of the night. For the next 15 episodes, the officers of the slumber town police will try to solve who was the murderer.
If you come to the conclusion that the problem with the flat-out battery has been caused by the bike itself, leave it alone leaned against the nearest utility pole with a firm resolution not to ride it once again. After calming down, negotiate that you will ride it as much as you need without telling the guys in France and Germany.