The pre-meeting rollout
Much like a group ride, meetings never start on time. There’s always that one guy (Gary from Sales) who arrives late but immediately sprints to the head of the table as if taking the holeshot at Roubaix. Meanwhile, everyone else is still clipping in—translating to fumbling with USB-C adapters, muttering about “this bloody Teams link,” and pretending to care about the agenda.
Drafting in the break room
Office kitchens would become tactical zones. You’d find junior employees carefully drafting behind senior managers on the way to the coffee machine, trying to conserve energy (and avoid awkward small talk). Someone always surges at the sugar packets. That person is to be dropped immediately.
Attacks during coffee breaks
The equivalent of a Category 2 climb: the 11:00 a.m. coffee break. It starts easy, then bang! Rebecca from Marketing launches an attack with a new campaign idea. No one was ready. You’re mid-sip and suddenly have to defend your Q2 numbers like you’re on a solo break up Alpe d’Huez.
Wheel-sucking in the boardroom
There’s always that guy who sits quietly in every meeting, nodding sagely, contributing nothing, then somehow getting credit in the post-ride—sorry, post-meeting recap email. Classic wheel-sucker. You pull the team uphill through a brainstorming session and he’s still fresh at the top, arms in the air.
The mid-ride snack stop
Lunch hour would be neutralised—everyone raids the fridge like it’s the feed zone. Someone drops half an avocado on the floor. HR issues a warning. Someone else bonks at 2:30 p.m. because they skipped the banana and now can’t follow a single email thread.
The sprint for credit
The project’s nearly done, and suddenly it’s a sprint finish for recognition. Months of effort lead to a final burst—PowerPoints flying, Slack channels on fire, emojis used with reckless abandon. The intern takes a flyer from 400 metres out with a rogue Google Doc. Respect.
Crashes, flats and office politics
Crash = the printer jammed again. Flat = someone cc’d the wrong person. Mechanical = your Wi-Fi gave up mid-Zoom. And as for office politics? Imagine trying to maintain a paceline while three riders are actively trying to sabotage the breakaway because they heard there’s cake at the finish.
The cool-down
End-of-day wrap-ups are like the slow roll back to the café. Nobody really wants to talk about what just happened. You’re all just hoping for decent recovery, a hot drink, and maybe a KOM on that quarterly report.
Remember to keep drafting
Cycling teaches us many lessons: resilience, pacing, the importance of chamois cream. But perhaps its greatest gift is this—next time your colleague “attacks” during a brainstorming session, just remember: you could be wearing Lycra and doing it at 300 watts instead.
Until then, keep drafting, stay caffeinated, and whatever you do—don’t let Gary from Sales take your wheel.
