We’re sailing dangerously close to Christmas, and you haven’t got your cycle-crazy wife, your bike-friendly boss, or dangerous-downhill buddy a gift yet. Slow down, take a breath, and avoid these impulse buys.

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Stickers for your bike

Decals? Yes. Stickers? No. Adults do not put stickers on their bikes. Bumper stickers are for American rednecks trying to score political points. If a cyclist thought their bike would look better with stickers on it, theyd need to buy a better bike. Don’t insult them.

That Marmite Jersey

Thanks. You’re hilarious. I’ll add it to my collection of novelty jerseys my friends and family buy me. I’ll probably end up wearing it because, of course, I save my good jerseys for the perfect cycling day. Every time I wear it, I’ll resent you a little bit more. Annoyingly – you’ll probably think I love it and buy me the Colman’s Mustard jersey next year.

Novelty horns

It’s bad enough buying a novelty bike bell for a cyclist, but a novelty horn? No thanks. Not only is it cruel to the cyclist, it’s cruel to anyone unfortunate enough to get in their way. Cyclists work hard to improve their relationship with pedestrians – don’t make them look like a clown.

Spokey Dokeys

Unless the cyclist you’re buying for is an LA Street Thug, under the age of 12 – or both – it’s unlikely this gift will last longer on the spokes than the 12-hour nostalgia buzz. I’m pretty sure half the Pacific Garbage Patch is made of discarded Spokey Dokeys.

Framed World Champion Jersey

What better way to remind dad of when he narrowly missed qualifying for The National Championships, let alone the World Championships. A fake World Champion Jersey has to be framed because every other right-thinking cyclist would berate him for wearing colours he’s not earned. Hang it in the toilet where dad can contemplate his failures.

A bicycle napkin holder

You know that problem every cyclist has? You know… not knowing where to put their bicycle napkins? No? Well, neither do we. I don’t even know what a bicycle napkin is, let alone why I’d need this ridiculous device to store them. If you know what one is, hang your head in shame. Now if only they could figure out a way to neatly store your bike cleaning brushes

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