Why would Santa rethink his ride at all?
Santa Claus has had a tradition for centuries of riding in a sleigh pulled by reindeer. It is romantic, and many children of the Boomer generation could once name all eight reindeer. But does it still matter to anyone from Gen Z or even Gen Alpha?
Global warming is a reality, and Santa wants to reduce his carbon footprint, so a bicycle is a clear ecological alternative to polar mammals that produce greenhouse gases while moving. Bikes are also fast, agile, and suitable for riding in terrain as well as in the city.
Which bikes would probably not work?
Some bikes are inherently impractical.
1. A bike without gears: Although Berlin hipsters could compete with Santa in beard length, their typical mode of transport, the fixie, belongs in the same old category of impracticality as Santa’s sleigh. On flat ground, it is still manageable, but at even the smallest incline, you have to get out of the saddle or, better yet, dismount. Nothing that Santa would have time or mood for during a magical night.
2. A sport road bike: We know exactly what Santa Claus looks like from the illustration by German caricaturist Thomas Nast in 1863. The benevolent man with a nice, round belly, hidden in a red coat, and a backpack on his back. From experience, we know that road cycling respects nothing but spandex, and anyone dressed otherwise becomes a target of disdain. A backpack? Absolutely not. There is nothing more awkward than a middle-aged man packing his reformed body into Lycra. Just imagining it steals Christmas more from us than Tim Burton.
3. A shared bike: Nothing against them. They are heralds of a new form of mobility. Thanks to them, our cities are supposed to become blooming gardens full of flowers and the scent of jasmine. Reality? Every other onecreaks, cracks, and does not work. They are fun when we want to ride from a café to a bar, but imagine Santa slowly pedalling a shared bike from Rovaniemi, or wherever he actually lives, to Birmingham.
Which bike would Santa probably choose and why?
Santa needs reliability, versatility, and the ability to handle all kinds of terrain. From a snowy park somewhere in the north to muddy backyards in big cities. So:
1. Fatbike is king of snow: We know the fat bike mania is long over. We all liked them, but a single ride showed us that we could live without them. But Santa? If he finds snow, he has won because wide and burly tyres will carry him even where other bikes would fail. Advantage: comfort, and grip even on ice and with heavy load.
2. Full-suspension mountain bike: Santa rides across rooftops, sidewalks, gardens, and sometimes over fences. That means some bumps and jumps that must be absorbed at least by a 170 mm suspension. Mounting a bike with a well-fed belly is easier if Santa lowers the telescopic seat to the bottom level. Modern hydraulic brakes stop practically in place, so Santa will not overshoot a chimney that appears out of the mist at the last moment. Brand? Sorry for product placement, but how about Santa Cruz?
3. Electric e-cargo bike with long range: Santa rides far all over the world. An electric bike with a large battery would save him a lot of energy and time: exactly what men his age say about e-bikes. Help on climbs, longer range without fatigue, the ability to carry a load – all solved with an e-cargo bike with plenty of storage. An electric bell on the handlebars plays Ho-Ho-Ho when pressed, and Santa can go. Merry Christmas!
