“I’m tapering.”
Nobody questions it. You’re not tapering for anything, unless you count tapering off your motivation. But still, it’s accepted. Because we’ve all been there. We’ve all lied, invented, or genuinely believed some variation of: “I can’t ride today, because…”
This is a tribute to those excuses. Not the noble ones, like “family emergency” or “lightning strike to the derailleur,” but the creative, shameless, and beautifully irrational ones. The ones that let us pretend we’re still committed to the cycling life, even while binge-watching Netflix with a banana in one hand and our helmet still on (just in case).
Excuse 1: “I’m tapering” (classic, elegant, utterly meaningless)
You’ve been “tapering” for three weeks now. There is no race. There never was a race. You just like the way it sounds, strategic, like you’re peaking, even if the only thing peaking is your weekly pastry count.
This excuse works because it carries an air of legitimacy. Only serious athletes taper. Therefore, by saying it, you must be one. Who needs facts when you have vibes?
Excuse 2: “My cleats are haunted”
This one’s for the drama queens (me). Is your left foot clicking? Is your right knee sending you Morse code? It’s not mechanical. It’s paranormal. Clearly, your bike shoes are inhabited by the spirit of a 19th-century coach horse with unfinished business.
Bonus points if you burn sage over your saddle before your next ride.
Excuse 3: “The cat’s on my trainer”
It starts with a simple observation: “Oh look, Muffin’s napping on my Wahoo.” Fast-forward four hours, and you’ve justified skipping your interval session because you didn’t want to “disturb her aura.” This is not laziness. This is respect for all living beings.
Also works with dogs, toddlers, houseplants, and once, tragically, a Roomba.
Excuse 4: “I’m letting my bike rest”
We spend so much time training ourselves… but what about our bikes? What about their recovery needs? The emotional load they carry after every failed sprint? The trauma of potholes?
Sometimes, the most responsible thing you can do is put your bike in a dark room, whisper “you’re safe now,” and leave it alone for a week.
Excuse 5: “I think I felt a niggle”
What kind of niggle? Where? Doesn’t matter. It could be a muscle, a tendon, a soul fragment. The beauty of a “niggle” is that it sounds like you’re being sensible. You’re not being lazy. You’re preventing injury. You’re a hero, actually.
Excuse 6: “It’s too hot”
Accurate. Valid. And yet somehow… cowardly? You’ll still use it. Even if you rode through monsoon rains in March. Even if your tan line is already approaching zebra status. You’ll open the weather app, see 31°C, and say, “Nope. I value my electrolytes more than friendship.”
Excuse 7: “The moon is in retrograde”
Look, you don’t believe in astrology. But maybe, just maybe, it’s not the right time to risk a puncture under this kind of cosmic tension.
Pairs beautifully with crystals in your jersey pocket and mysterious references to “Mercury energy.”
Excuse 8: “I’ve lost my motivation, but I’m framing it as a strategic rest period”
This one’s honest — but rebranded. You haven’t touched your bike in two weeks, but you refuse to admit you’re in a slump. Instead, you’re doing “mental training,” which looks suspiciously like scrolling cycling memes and watching races with a beer.
Excuse 9: “I’m fasting… from cardio”
This excuse works best when delivered deadpan. “No, no, it’s a cleanse. I’m detoxing from exertion. The body needs stillness.”
Side effects include mild mockery from friends and, eventually, a surprisingly fast flat spin when guilt finally catches up.
Excuse 10: “My Garmin said ‘Rest’ and who am I to argue?”
The ultimate 21st-century cop-out. You trust your Garmin more than your partner. When it tells you “Recovery: 52 hours,” you listen. Even if it only gave that number because you sneezed near it after a 12-minute coffee spin.
The Excuse Generator
Can’t think of your own? Just combine one from each column:
| Prefix | Subject | Excuse |
| I’m pretty sure | my legs | aren’t emotionally ready for this. |
| My coach told me | my recovery plan | doesn’t allow heroism today. |
| Honestly, I think | my FTP | peaked in 2021 and we’re grieving it. |
| I read somewhere | zone 2 rides | can cause mild identity crises. |
| It’s probably best if | my bike | and I take some time apart. |
We all love riding. But sometimes we also love not riding — and that’s OK. Especially in August, when the tarmac is lava, the flies are sentient, and your willpower is hiding in the freezer. So go ahead. Cancel that ride. Use one of these. Use them all. And when you finally do clip in again, you’ll be stronger. Or at least very well-rested and kinda funny.
