1. Learn the lingo
Throw around words like “lead-out train”, “DSQ for sticky bottle”, and “crosswind echelon” at breakfast. No one will know you were drooling into your pillow while the peloton rolled through endless sunflower fields.
2. Watch the final 10km highlights
Just skip straight to the last 10km YouTube clip while brushing your teeth. Memorise who attacked, who chased, and which sprinter’s lead-out failed miserably. Then say, “Did you see how chaotic that sprint was today?” You’ll sound like Carlton Kirby himself.
3. Say “The real racing starts in the mountains”
Whenever someone mentions today’s stage, sigh dramatically and say, “Yeah but the real racing starts once they hit the Alps.” Instant credibility. No one wants to admit they woke up early for 200km of flat roads either.
4. Use vague praise
Generic comments like, “That was textbook sprint tactics from the team today,” or, “Impressive how they controlled the breakaway,” work for literally any flat stage. Sprinkle liberally.
5. Know who crashed
Even if it was minor, knowing who hit the deck makes you sound in-the-know. Just check the crash report before you open your mouth. “Gutted for that sprinter, hope he heals up quick,” – no one will question your dedication.
6. Never skip the rest day content
Rest day interviews are your goldmine. They’ll recap everything for you. Just parrot rider quotes and mention who looked tired at the press conference. Easy.
7. Final tip: It’s not cheating, it’s efficiency
Think of yourself as a time trial specialist: maximum results, minimum effort. After all, why spend six hours watching crosswind false alarms when you can be well-rested for the real show on the summit finishes?
