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Secret Fears of Every Cyclist: The Halloween Issue

By Adam Marsal

Everybody is scared of something. Cyclists, on the other hand, have many fears in common. Let’s see if we tickled your funny bone and nailed some of your personal pet peeves and frights. Feel free to tick the list as you go or print it out for your cycling club.

Somebody from your office recognizes you while being dressed in spandex.

The mud stuck in the front tyre tread turns out to be dog poop.

All slower riders get their e-bikes and turn you into the slowest cyclist on Earth.

A 50% sale is out right after you bought the bike for a regular price.

There is a massive puddle behind the turn you’ve just entered at speed of 65 km/h.

Based on the bike and gear, your mates start to call you a boomer.

While in mid-air, you realize that the landing spot is far from the place you had expected.

Your Strava account gets hacked and all records are erased.

There will be no GSM signal after you crashed and got badly injured in the middle of nowhere.

The last moment to refill the water bottle passed long before you started to climb that never-ending hill.

You missed the last ride of the uphill bike park chairlift by just a moment while your car is parked by the upper station.

A furious dog jumps out of a dark hedge and heads towards you to catch your front wheel.

After elections, your local representatives return to the policy of no bicycle lanes in the city.

You accidentally chose a two-black diamond trail dedicated to expert riders only.

An open drain appears ahead just when a car is passing by.

The next economic crisis ends up bringing back the post-covid times when waiting periods for spare parts like a chain lasted six months and more.

You took an unwashed cycling kit by mistake before a group ride, and the stench spreads around.

You had locked the bike to a pole and only the pole and the lock are left.

Somebody drops you right before a climb, so you must watch their bottom all the way up.

Somebody appears from behind and follows you stuck to your rear wheel, breathing on your back all the way up a very long climb.

A fork breaks during a fast descent, leaving you to spend the last moments of your life watching the front wheel fly away.

Because of your cycling gear, somebody confuses you with a creepy weirdo wearing a Halloween costume.