1. Aero is everything
After watching a week of Tour coverage, they’re convinced their club ride would be infinitely faster if only they had:
- An aero helmet (“See how Pogačar’s sits flush with his back?”)
- Aero socks (“The watts saved are basically free speed!”)
- An aero bike (“My frame is basically a parachute, it’s embarrassing.”)
Suddenly, their birthday list is longer than the Champs-Élysées.
2. Nutrition = gel buffet
They see riders eating a gel every 20 minutes and decide they too need a full top tube bento box for Sunday’s 60km café ride. Never mind the €2 coffee stop halfway – fueling is crucial to avoid bonking before their almond croissant.
3. Recovery is everything
Watching Evenepoel foam rolling mid-interview inspires them to spend £70 on the latest vibrating massage gun. They use it once before bed, declare their legs “pro-level fresh,” and then limp to the bathroom the next morning.
4. The socks must match
After three weeks of daily kit analysis, they realise their bib shorts and socks clash. Next thing you know, there’s a parcel arriving with ‘pro team replica’ socks in colours no normal human would dare to wear in public.
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5. Bottles = marginal gains
They learn that ‘aero bottles’ save up to 3 watts at 40 km/h. Do they ever ride at 40 km/h? Absolutely not. Do they order two aero bottles with matching cages? Absolutely yes.
6. It’s all about the sunglasses
They notice Pogačar’s new oversized shades and decide their current sunglasses are outdated. “These improve peripheral vision and reduce drag by 0.0001%,” they say, while tapping their credit card with tears in their eyes.
7. Riding position check
They’ll spend an hour on YouTube analysing Vingegaard’s saddle setback and bar drop. The next day you find them on the turbo, mirror propped up, trying to get that exact aerodynamic tuck before declaring, “My hip angle is too closed. I need a new stem.”
8. Chain waxing = free speed
After a Tour tech segment, they buy chain wax and a slow cooker to melt it in. Goodbye kitchen, hello personal pro mechanic workshop. Whether they’ll gain 0.5 watts or ruin the slow cooker forever remains to be seen.
9. Motivational delusions
Finally, after three weeks of watching the best cyclists on earth suffer beyond imagination, they stand up, stretch their back, and announce:
“Right. Time to start training properly. Next season is my season.”
Until then, they’ll keep buying gels in bulk, tinkering with their saddle height, and dreaming of yellow jerseys while dropping exactly no one on the club ride.
