For the untrained eye, this may seem like a simple mid-ride break. Oh, how foolish. The reality is that coffee breaks are a sacred ritual that follows several unspoken rules. Indeed, many cyclists approach the cafe stop with the same seriousness and devotion as pro teams plan their Tour de France strategy. It’s not just about drinking coffee; it’s about executing the perfect coffee stop, complete with hierarchy, etiquette, and unwritten rules that, if broken, will earn you a lifetime of side-eye from your riding group.
For those new to the game or anyone who has dared to question why this seemingly simple act requires such military precision, here are the unspoken rules of the coffee break.
Rule #1: The café must be cyclist-approved
Not all cafés are created equal, and not every establishment deserves the honour of hosting Lycra-clad athletes consuming espresso at an alarming rate.
First and foremost, the café must be cyclist-friendly. This means no one will bat an eye when 6 to 12 people clap in harmony while loudly chattering about who did what during the ride. Bonus points if the café has a dedicated place for helmets, proper bike parking, and endorsement from other riders on Strava. Actually, that last one is a must. If the café is not on Strava, what are you doing there at all? Also, this fine establishment must have a proper espresso machine. No instant coffee… not ever.
Finally, the right coffee place must have outdoor seating. Otherwise, what’s the point?
Now, this should come without saying, but a chain café is a definite no-no. They are acceptable in extremely rare conditions, like when the hell freezes over. Well, OK, you can get a pass if a thunderstorm catches you, and there are no underpasses or caves nearby to hide in instead.
Nowadays, almost anyone can make a decent coffee. However, for a cycling coffee stop, there must be more than just a coffee. It must be strong enough to restart a failing pacemaker.
Finally, if the café must have oat milk. If they are out, at least one cyclist of your group is required to audibly sigh in disappointment and order “just a double espresso” with the same tone as if they just learned they would never be able to ride again.
Rule #2: Park your bike for maximum admiration
A coffee break is not just about caffeine. It is also about displaying your bike in the most elegant and borderline pretentious manner possible. You didn’t spend an obscene amount of money on a high-performance machine just to lean it against a trash can like some kind of barbarian. No, your bike deserves respect.
The ideal parking spot should allow for uninterrupted admiration from both your fellow riders and random pedestrians who don’t know a Dura-Ace groupset from a coat hanger but will still whisper, “Wow, that’s an expensive-looking bike.” If there is no bike stand, the wall is the classic choice. Now, you should make use of the wall as a photo-op background. If there are some exposed bricks, they should definitely be within the frame.
If no suitable wall is available, bikes must be carefully aligned, standing in a perfectly spaced row like a pro team before a stage start. Any deviation from this symmetry is unacceptable, and at least one person will subtly reposition their bike three or four times until perfection is achieved.
Most importantly, however, the drivetrain must be facing outwards. If you can’t see the cassette, what’s the point of stopping? If you parked your bike the wrong way, don’t frown when the group leader sends you back to park your bike right.
Rule #3: The coffee must be photographed
Photographing your coffee is much like recording your ride on Strava. If you don’t, it practically never happened. Plus, you must be able to add some pictures to your Strava, right? Sure, the bike next to the brick wall we already discussed is a great start, but that begs the question: Why have you stopped? You are well aware that coffee breaks are the only allowed stops during a ride.
So, a minimum of one carefully curated coffee photo must be taken before the first sip. The composition is critical. The cup must be positioned next to your gloves, sunglasses, or helmet, arranged as if you’re a lifestyle influencer rather than someone currently sweating through Lycra.
A proper cycling coffee photo also demands the presence of your bike—leaning in the background, perfectly out of focus to add an air of effortless cool. Bonus points if your coffee cup has an intricate latte art design that makes it look like it belongs in a coffee ad.
If no one acknowledges the photo within 10 minutes, the photographer must casually bring it up in conversation, subtly encouraging engagement. A comment like “That shot came out nice” should be enough to initiate the appropriate amount of group admiration.
Failure to capture the coffee moment properly is a major cycling faux pas. This is why at least one person will take multiple shots from different angles, experimenting with lighting and waiting for that goddamn squirrel in the back to take the right position so it looks “not staged”. In the meantime, the rest will patiently wait, plotting to run the photographer into the gutter first thing when they leave.
Rule #4: At least one rider must comment on the weather
No coffee stop is officially recognised until someone comments on the weather.
Regardless of the conditions, at least one rider in your group should audibly huff and puff for about 10 minutes before they finally complain that the weather is too damn… something. It can be cold, warm, windy or too calm. Goldilocks over there will have an opinion to share while the rest of you silently shake your head in agreement. There’s really no point in engaging.
Rule #5: The pre-coffee sprint winner must offer to pay
Now, each ride must have some competitive element, and what better way to show your sports spirit than to have a friendly sprint ahead of the coffee? Sure, this friendly sprint will spike you to over 1,000 watts, and you’ll all start throwing elbows left and right. But it’s all in good fun, especially if no one falls into the chaos.
The reward for the winner is the opportunity to offer to pay the check. Now, no one really expects you to pay the whole thing. Still, rules are rules, and you must offer to follow them. This is a ceremonial gesture meant to signal dominance while also giving the group a chance to engage in the ritualistic rejection of the offer.
After a brief but dramatic display of “No, no, let me,” the most senior rider will insist on splitting the bill, ensuring that no one actually gets away with a free coffee.
Rule #6: The return must begin with an overconfident pace
Coffee-fuelled legs are always eager to hit the big-watt numbers. So, when you leave the cafe, you are obliged to try to establish a breakaway from your group. Pump up to 800 watts and let the rest of your group know who’s wearing the proverbial Yellow jersey next.
Of course, the rest of the crew won’t sit by. Tradition insists they follow, and as soon as you get caught, someone counter-attacks. This continues for the first 15-20 minutes until you finally agree you will just ride at a very fast pace but together. You’ve established the breakaway. There are no chasers, of course, but this shouldn’t stop you from pushing yourselves to the limit. After 30 minutes, you will all be done for, collectively yet silently agreeing that you have enough lead on the air, from which you so desperately tried to break away, so you can now slow down and pace yourselves back home.
Traditions are to be followed
The cycling coffee break is not just a stop—it’s an institution. It has rules, expectations, and a level of seriousness that rivals actual training. Break these rules at your own risk. But follow them and you’ll never again wonder why a group of Lycra-clad riders treat a simple espresso like a world championship event.
